Head First: April 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I'd rather go to the Apple Store than church.

I mean, can you do this at your church?


This is me AT church, right after they say "It's good to be in God's house," and just before they say "Welcome to the friendliest church in town."

Friday, April 14, 2006

Sunday's Comin'...But It's Friday.

"For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." (1 Cor. 1)

I have to be honest. I don't get as excited about Easter as I probably should.

Easter is a great day and all, and I don't mean to sound like a complete heretic, but Sunday just doesn't impress me so much. I mean, yes, He arose, roll away the stone, power over death, yes, yes, yes. But of course He arose. Of course God raised Him from the dead. He's God, for, uh, Pete's sake! Is it really that much of a trick? Don't get me wrong. I understand what the resurrection represents and it's awesome, and I'm grateful, and I don't want to diminish it. But to me, that was the easy part.

Friday was where the rubber met the road. On Friday, I hurt Him. I hurt Him a lot. A hell of a lot. And He took it, alone, abandoned by the people He loved, who He thought loved Him. I get a pain in my chest just trying to think about it.

And it's not as if He sucked it up and turned Himself over to the authorities just once, and then it was out of His hands. His submission to that torture was continual. At any moment, He could have stopped it with a word. Imagine the scourge opening up your back, knowing another blow was coming, knowing you could stop it. Imagine having the will to take it.
"...his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man
and his form marred beyond human likeness..."(Isaiah 52:14b)

On Friday, the transaction that saved my ass took place. He paid for that thing I did yesterday, and for the thing I'll likely do tomorrow. There was nothing I could offer Him, except more pain. It seems like that's all I'm good for, causing Him pain. But still, He did it.

Foolishness? It's freaking madness! It's love that I can't fathom. It's love of which I can never be worthy. I can never deserve it. Part of me feels guilty for even partaking of it, except, suddenly, that part's clean, too.
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought,
My sin, not in part, but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more!
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul!

--Horatio Spafford


Sunday's coming, I know. But the passage that gives me chills doesn't say, "Worthy is the Lamb that rose..." Today is Friday. Today is the day that leaves me speechless.
"Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang:

'Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!'


Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:

'To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!'"

(Revelation 5:11-13)

Monday, April 10, 2006

Insomniac Beer Goggles?

Ok, I couldn't sleep. I was laying awake, my mind all abuzz with thoughts of the Holy Chip. I hope it gets here soon, but I had to get some sleep. Maybe if I turned on the TV...cool, Alias is in syndication. After Alias, comes back to back commecial-free prosperity, Kenneth Copeland, followed by Dr. Creflo A. Dollar (On the show, all references to him include his middle initial, I guess to keep people from confusing him with, uh, Creflo J Dollar?). Interestingly, they each buy their hour of time on the Philadelphia Fox affiliate, but neither of them buys the commercial time that occurs between their two programs. That got snatched up by a porn site/900 number line advertising a harem of young ladies who recently celebrated their eighteenth birthdays and are waiting for you to join them (shame on you if you clicked that). So the order of service is sermon - porno ad - sermon. XXX Church has nothing on these guys.

Anyway, I start flipping stations and find the local TBN affiliate station celebrating Brother Paul Crouch's 72nd birthday. Well, I haven't seen ole Brother Paul in a coon's age. And he looks exactly the same as the last time I saw him. But who's that gal standing next to him? She sort of looks like a bad boardwalk chalk-artist caricature of Pamela Anderson. My jaw dropped when I realized that this was none other than the original drag queen for Jesus, Jan Crouch. Whoa! What happened? I remember Sister Jan like this:



and this:

and this:

(ok, sorry)



But now,

if your vision is really blurry from lack of sleep or if you've had a few beers, you don't even recognize her. If you're sleep deprived AND have had a few beers, she almost looks attractive. I mean, does this look like a woman in her (very) late 60's?


Well I did a little digging, and it appears that Mrs. Crouch has, um, had a little work done. I contacted my source (being the keeper of the One True Chip comes with some extraordinary connections in very high places). Anyway, my source tells me that she's not through, either. Her current look is little more than a stepping stone to her ultimate cosmetic surgical destination:














Operators are standing by...

Monday, April 03, 2006

Your Personal Christian
Horoscope/Prophetic Word...



...is available now at LarkNews.
Here's mine:

"Stop praying for that thing you've been asking God for. He said no. Get over it."