Head First: Smile, Jesus Loves You Sucker

Friday, December 22, 2006

Smile, Jesus Loves You Sucker

There are just a couple days left before Jesus turns 2039 (depending on how you calculate). Thankfully, we don't celebrate with a cake. That would be a lot of candles! Hoowee!

Anyway, here are a few last minute gift ideas for the special people on your list.

Lighted Grown-up Jesus Tree Topper

Let the Light of the World light up your holiday festivities this year. He's advertised as lifelike, with actual nail-holes in his hands (You can try to attach him to your tree that way, but he'll be off in three days).


If Jesus came back right now, wouldn't you want to have the freshest breath possible? Guaranteed to hide both beer and cigarette breath, so they're perfect for Sunday morning.

Bobblehead Jesus

Just place this guy in your rear dash and you can always be sure that JC has your back. (I swear I've seen this particular Jesus in the NBA. Who is that guy?)

Jesus Bandages

This is how Benny Hinn began his healing ministry. Think of the possibilities.

The Last Supper Lunchbox.

It's extra long, perfect for a hot, juicy Philadelphia cheesesteak (which, according to scholars, was ordered by nine of the twelve disciples, but they were out of luck. Philadelphia hadn't been invented yet).

The WWJD Hemp Bracelet.

This is what I'm getting my teenage daughter this year. The first question I'm going to ask is, "Would Jesus smoke this bracelet? I don't think so."

Jesus Coat Hooks

Here's a great way to make your holiday guests feel welcome in your home, while still reminding them that Christmas is only the beginning of the story. (Yes, some sick bastard is actually selling these.)

The Cruc-Z-Boy Recliner

I don't really know what to say about this. There doesn't seem to be anything easy about this easy chair. What if you drop the remote while you're all strapped in? Now THAT'S agony.

Here's the one that inspired this post in the first place:

Smile, Jesus Loves You Sucker

That's exactly how they're labeled at christiandollarstore.com. I wonder if they did that on purpose.


Jason said...

I've always wanted a bobblehead Jesus....

mark said...

Dorsey, you slay me. Most hilarious crap ever...I'm ashamed to say that I just bought those Atonemints yesterday as a gag gift for my mom.

Zeke said...

Craig Bob has worked up a pretty good collection of Christianese merchandise here.

Great stuff, Dorse.

seƱor jefe said...

While I appreciate al the items you've mentioned, I think I'm most impressed that there is such a thing as the "Christian Dollar Store".


SocietyVs said...

I can't believe some of these are real things, whoever is selling them must have a great sense of humor - cause I can't see no message in half of those things except for gags.

Mrs Zeke said...

Merry Christmas Dorsey

Greybush said...

I find these hilarious and a bit disturbing at the same time.

MJ said...

I can't make myself stop laughing. IN fact that gets the laugh that makes no sound laugh. Especially the sucker. Everyone loves a sucker, even Jesus. I can't handle it.

John Three Thirty said...

fucking awesome, er, I mean sucking awesome, er, I mean...

Phil Miller said...

Hey Dorsey, I just got an email promoting this company yesterday. Shoes with Bible verses on them! The email I got says, "Engineered by Board Certified Pedorthists and Professional Shoe Fitters to be super comfortable". There freakin' Converse Chucks knock-offs!

It's craptacualar!

I don't know how I got on their mailing list...