Head First: How Do I Love Ye (or is it Thee?)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

How Do I Love Ye (or is it Thee?)

Although we celebrate his day, it's unclear just who Saint Valentine was. Turns out, there were three saints named Valentinus, and they were all martyred. Judging from the tone of their holiday, I'd guess they must have gotten in trouble for getting a little action on the side.

But anyway, since we celebrate vitamin-enriched Eros-brand love today, I thought I'd offer some helpful hints to some of the younger fellows in the crowd and let you in on the secrets of showing love to your spouse. This is how we show love to Mrs. Dorsey in the Marshall household.

One day each week, my daughters and I gather in the living room. This is where we always meet to honor my wife. In fact, we don't really use the room for anything else. It's sort of "her" room, y'know? Here's how the event typically goes down:

• We start with a brief statement, thanking her for all that she does for us, and then asking her to do more.

• Then I break out my Strat and we sing some songs about her. We do two lively songs (the kids like to dance) and two slow ones. If I'm really getting into it, I'll break into some Barry White (Can't get enough of your love, baby...). There's a lot of talk about touching Mrs. D, but we never actually do it.

• Then I pass a basket around and imply to the girls that, if they really love Mommy, they'll certainly want to help out by kicking in to help pay for some new drapes for the living room. I mean, how can we say, "I love you, mom," when we make her live here with those ratty curtains? Well, that's the rationale, anyway. To be honest, I pocket most of the money myself.

• The girls and I take a short break and greet one another, and talk about going to a movie later.

• I deliver a prepared speech, informing the girls that Mommy loves them and that, if they'd be more committed to Mommy (by helping Daddy paint the living room and hang the new drapes), she would love them even more.

• We end the event by briefly addressing Mrs. D, thanking her for being with us.

After the meeting, the kids and I go out for a meal, usually a Chinese buffet. We leave Mrs Dorsey there, in the living room. Someone asked how we came up with this process. I don't really know. We've just always done it this way.

Seriously, if I showed love to my wife the way we often show love to God, she'd probably stop coming to the meetings, too. She's not about jewelry a couple times a year or vacuous displays of affection. She's more convinced that I love her when I fold some clothes or empty the dishwasher, when I take time I could spend elsewhere and spend it with her, when I read with the girls. Likewise, while I do not feel the need to question God's love for me, the thought of my love for Him worries me, sometimes.


sandytrif said...

well Happy Valentine's Day to you and mrs. D. What a way to spend it with a snow day-err sleet day. What ever. Good points. I pray that I show the Lord love by doing the little things for him each day.

Kc said...

Very well done. Reminds me of David's judgement on himself. Just as I was thinking what a horrible husband you must be you make the gut shot and take the wind right out of me.

ninjanun said...

Best. Sermon. Ever.

SocietyVs said...

Dorse, for a while there I didn;t quite catch on to the sarcasm at first - then I did - and man is that well written. Just goes to show it's the small things in life that make it worth the living - and I think God can see us peons trying our best and trying to love - heck I don't have kids but I can imagine that feeling.

RF2R2 said...

Posts like these remind me why I love you, dorse :D I'm seriously instructed by your husbandly wisdom. Thanks for helping me love my wife better.


Jason said...

Very nice.

sofyst said...

This is a horrible piece. How dare you mock the sacred meeting of believers. You really should be ashamed. May God reign fire and brimstone upon your balding head (if not balding, may he make it balding) for even questioning the sacred order of service so sent down from us from the great Fathers of our faith! Moses would be appalled to even dream of taking away the 'get up and greet each other' part of the sacred service! And not going to eat afterward?!? Who on earth are you to even suggest God should go with us?

I'm truly appalled. Crap, I need to take back some movies. And pay my phone bill...just remembered.

BruceD said...


Kris said...

I knew, I knew you and I had been to the same church before.

:) This is why I am a Dorseist.

You're still onery..........I like it.

Recovering said...

Oh man, I laughed out loud! I needed that. This is why I'm a Recovering Evangelical.

JimmyBob said...

I don't know if I'm just tired, but you really caught me off guard with that twist. I wasn't expecting it. Good stuff.

My favorite line is, "There's a lot of talk about touching Mrs. D, but we never actually do it."

Wow. I feel that so often. Not about Mrs. D, but about God, of course. Especially during worship services when we're singing songs with intimate lyrics and there doesn't seem to be an appropriate or matching response on anyone's face. It's like we're singing someone elses song and haven't made it our own.

Kevin Beck said...


Keith said...

Brandon, beautifully said mate. Perfect, in fact.